“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*