Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Proctology is located in A55
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?