If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?