Brother?
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.