If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.