I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.