Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs