I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole