i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency