My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
You Might Also Like
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
The first one, obviously
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me too, bag. Me too….