Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please