BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
how to exercise your calf muscles
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…