I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
set yourself free xox
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.