Cndnsd Mlk
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Tremendous stuff
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while