I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
blocked.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Can’t. Being lazy.
I want this so bad
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I don’t know what to do