Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
You Might Also Like
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
what are they serving at kfc then???
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word