accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
This squirrel eats better than I do
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool