I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.