I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You Might Also Like
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.