Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Merry Christmas
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Another interesting #factupdates post!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Effort made