Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You Might Also Like
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Good morning, Twitter x
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.