Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Covid like
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing