My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]