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All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
was Jim off killing horses or…
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco