I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
The answer is funnier than the question
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u