Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.