If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Worst Native American name ever.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*me flirting