Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.