I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
this chia pet tastes awful
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Before & after 😅
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.