Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The game has officially changed 😎
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
brian had himself a morning…
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals