A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
You Might Also Like
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Friday night party time 🥳
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]