Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Dudes named Chance never had one.