customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor