Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw