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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.