my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that