If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’ve been drinking.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up