you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
me after eating Cheetos
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.