Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
TRAIN’S HERE
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I am all good here, 😂😉
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.