I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Cannot stop laughing at this
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
This could be us, but you weedin’.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
TEETH IS INNOCENT