I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Oops I deleted….
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day