(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
me before I type out affect or effect
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.