God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
You Might Also Like
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
notice
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
#growingpains