Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Classic German Shepherd 😂
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED