me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…