Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Bill is short for Billiam
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.