Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Why soy sad?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.