My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
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If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Breaking news:
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.