My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.