I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
adam and eve had first world problems
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
fixed it
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave